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Phil Van Tee - Standup Comic

Comedian from Los Angeles, CA - Will travel up to 3000 miles
31
41 VERIFIED BOOKINGS
MEMBER SINCE 2004
BOOKED {{daysSinceLastBookingText()}}

  BACKGROUND VERIFIED
$600 - $4800 per night
Long and lanky (6' 8"), Phil Van Tee has been seen on MAD T. V., THE MAN SHOW, RENO 911, Showtime, A&E, Si-T. V. & NICKELODEON! He recently appeared in director Clint Eastwood's movie, "The Changeling"! 2003 winner of a TELLY AWARD (cable T. V.'s version of the EMMY). A graduate of RINGLING BROS. Clown College, Phil has tickled funnybones all across the U. S., Canada, and the Caribbean. Born in Chapel Hill, N. C., raised in Ohio, and working out of L. A., this comedian has an amazingly well defined character. His performance is clean and strong with silly stories and quick, funny jokes about his strange
Grandfather, his 3 wives (Bigamy? No! Trigonometry!), his misadventures with pets, and his bizarre comedy travels. --------Also a performing member of Hollywood's prestigious Magic Castle, Phil is an excellent closeup magician - what a great double threat for his clients!------------Phil has performed OVER 12,000 SHOWS in the past quarter century, from circus mud show to shiny T. V.! 12,000 shows? Why not make it 12,001? Call Phil today - He's a nice guy!----------------OVER HIS LONG AND NOBLE CAREER, LOOK WHO HAS PERFORMED WITH PHIL: Paula Poundstone, Denis Leary, Rosie O'Donnel, Jay Leno, Cheech Marin, Bobcat Goldthwaite, Will Durst, Steve Harvey, The Maguire Sisters, Wendy Liebman, Kevin Meany, Lenny Clarke, Patton Oswald, Mort Sahl, Rob Schneider, Margaret Smith, Chris Titus, Ellen Degeneres, Carlos Alazraqui, Amazing Jonathon, Sammy Shore, Pauly Shore, John Byner, Dana Carvey, Margaret Cho, Sinbad, Dave Coulier, Jim Breuer, David Cross, Jeff Foxworthy, Janeane Garofalo, Sam Kinison, Rich Jeni, Jake Johanson, George Miller, Emo Philips, The Unknown Comic, Bruce Baum, Kip Adotta, Roseanne Barr and countless more!---------------------------HERE'S A SMALL SAMPLE OF PHIL'S ORIGINAL ONE-LINERS: "I was raised in Lorain, Ohio. Not the brightest people in Lorain. We had a dangerous piece o' highway called, 'Massacre Mile'; known for it's poor engineering and high accident rate. State of Ohio gave Lorain $500,000.00 to do something about it... so they put up bleachers."-------------"My Dad made his living as a mortician. The house I was raised in was situated right next door to a great big crematorium. I used to play out back in what I thought was a sandbox... On the up side, I brought home a lot of jewelry ... 4th grade, show & tell, I took in what I thought was a sand dollar... turned out to be a kneecap."-----------"I had a chameleon. He died of exhaustion. I lined his tank with Sherwin Williams' color brochures."--------------"Talking about my ugly ancestors - rough lookin' bunch - some of 'em were in The Donner Party. Nobody would eat 'em. Said they looked 'spoiled'..."------------"My Great Uncle Silas was so ugly, he could look at his reflection in the back of a spoon, and it would look normal."--------------"My second wife was named 'Elaine'. Got that tattooed on my arm. Well, it's supposed to say 'Elaine', but the guy who did the tattoo was dyslexic, so if there's any women out there named, 'Enail', I'm ready for you."-------------------"P. E. T. A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), announced that they are now accepting 'used furs' to help keep sick animals warm. That's like a nurse coming into my room and saying. 'Are you chilly, Mr. Van Tee? Well, don't worry. We've skinned your Uncle Frank to make you a blankie.'"--------------"I know not everyone loves the banjo, but to me, the sound is like an angel, peein' in my ear... or as my good friend Billy Bob Thornton likes to say, 'Doggone-it! Stop tellin' people you're my friend! ... Security!' He's Funny that way. I like to show up places where he least expects me. Some people call it, 'Stalking'. I call it, 'Enriching our friendship.'"-------------------"My Uncle Ernie wanted me to be as tough as he was, even though I was real little. He gave me my first ever pocket knife, and I still remember how excited I was, and how the sun was shining off the blade as he opened it up and laid it down next to me in the crib... He knew I was teething!"------------"I let my wife drive. She changes lanes, then she puts on her turn signal. I said, 'Honey, I thought the blinker was invented to signal 'intent', not to advertise recent accomplishments.'"-----------------"Here's a lesson what not to do. My wife said, 'Is my butt too big?' I said, 'Not for that body.'"---------------"My Mom used to say stuff like, 'Don't you ever run with scissors in this house!' And my Grandaddy would say, 'That's right! Take 'em outside, where you can get up some speed!'"-------------------"Grandaddy told me there was no such thing as Santa Claus, when I was 4 years old. 'No such thing as Santa Claus, son. Don't pout, boy! Boogie Man's real!'"
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Gold Member
25+ GigMasters Bookings

Community Event

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Recommend

Our decision to hire Phil Van Tee to perform before audiences in Bismarck (ND)'s beautiful turn-of-the-(last)-century Belle Mehus Auditorium was one of the best decisions we've made all year. He was an absolute pro, a pleasure to work with, extremely easy to coordinate stage activities through, and showed true entertainment leadership in helping us through one completely unforeseeable situation. This man is funny, funny, funny, and the crowd loved him. Hire him if you can. He will make your event an absolute success!

(more) Review by . from Bismarck, ND on

Corporate Function

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Accommodating
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Recommend

Phil did a great job entertaining for our corporate holiday party. Everyone was utterly amazed by his magic tricks and his stand-up routine was very funny and tasteful for our event. Phil was on-time, extremely professional and very accomodating. We would definitely book Phil Van Tee again!

(more) Review by . from San Diego, CA on

Private Party

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Recommend

Good clean family fun. Phils 'down home' style is sure to set your guests at ease. Refreshing change from the foul mouth comedians so prevalent these days. Thumbs up for Phil, we need more like him.

(more) Review by . from San Diego, CA on
PAST EVENTS
FUTURE EVENTS
GIGMASTERS VERIFIED BOOKING
No Future Events
2009
Feb
4
Corporate Function
Yorba Linda, CA
8:30 AM - 9:30 AM
2008
Sep
12
Community Event
Bismarck, ND
7:00 PM - 8:30 PM
2008
Mar
15
Smith wedding - Meridian Club
Fullerton, CA
6:00 PM - 10:00 PM
2008
Feb
14
CAPPO Conference Awards Dinner
Orange, CA
7:00 PM - 9:00 PM
2008
Jan
8
Northwoods Resort
Big Bear Lake, CA
6:00 PM - 10:00 PM
2008
Jan
6
Emerald Restaurant-95th Birthday party
San Diego, CA
5:00 PM - 8:00 PM
You & I Both Outgrew Ugly, But Our Baby's Got No Chance!
by Phil Van Tee
The Sooner I Never See Your Face Again, The Better It Will Be For Both Of Us When We Meet!
by Phil Van Tee
I Feel Much Better, But That Makes Me Feel Bad, 'Cuz When I Feel This Good, It Can Only Get Worse!
by Phil Van Tee
I Accidentally Shot My Horse, So I Had To Break His Leg
by Phil Van Tee
If You think My Heart Is Hard & Cold, You Ought To Feel My Liver!
by Phil Van Tee
Each Ex Put a Hex On The Next
by Phil Van Tee
He Gave Up Jumping On The Bed When They Installed The Ceiling Fan
by Phil Van Tee
Dust Mites In My Beard Honey - Hand Me The Hoover!
by Phil Van Tee
He Never Drank Before 'Twas Noon, 'Cuz He Slept Till 12:05
by Phil Van Tee
The New Puppy Snores Louder Than Grampa!
by Phil Van Tee
Proms
Weddings
Baby Showers
Bar Mitzvahs
Celebrations
Funerals
Happy Hours
Picnic
Bachelorette Parties
Concerts
Bat Mitzvahs
Bridal Showers
Events
Bachelor Parties
Banquets
Christenings
Conventions
Festivals
Fundraisers
Halloween Parties
Meetings
Birthday Parties (Kids)
Birthday Parties (Adult)
First Communions
Luau Parties
Wedding Ceremonies
Wedding Receptions
Engagement Parties
Family Reunions
Rehearsal Dinners
Please note Phil Van Tee - Standup Comic will also travel to Alhambra, Bell Gardens, Glendale, Huntington Park, Maywood, Monterey Park, Bell, Hollywood, Pasadena, South Pasadena, Montebello, South Gate, Burbank, Beverly Hills, Inglewood, Rosemead, San Gabriel, San Marino, Culver City, Downey, El Monte, Lynwood, Pico Rivera, Toluca Lake, Universal City, Willowbrook, Compton, La Canada, Montrose, North Hollywood.
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